PART TWO

Hey the plane said ‘yes’. Remember we had to get permission to take the ashes and documents on board as one piece of hand luggage and not two!

So off we go thro the barriers and walk to the plane, up the steps and into – do you remember those WW11 films with the Dakotas and the seats they had? – now I know why they be real cheap flights.

Once all the passengers were in ‘the’ seats, it was the usual safety talk about which bit of string to pull on the life jacket and how to blow your whistle. It might have helped if the pre-recorded talk wasn’t worn out cause the stewardesses all looked like they were doing a mime show to snap, crackle and pop over the tanoy system.

Oh well show over and up into the air – now the race began to get as much money out of a captive audience.

1.- “Don’t use your mobile on this plane as its not geared for it – BUT if you purchase  a £10.00 card you can use it!!!!” WHAT?

2.- “Don’t get out of your seat as the trolleys are coming”

 

3.- Sandwiches tea and coffee come thundering down the passage.

 

4.- “Yes Sir sandwich! What filling do you want? That’s extra”

 

5.- “Water in your tea?  That’s  extra”

 

6.- “Sugar?  That’s extra”

 

7.- “Milk? That’s extra”

 

8.-“Do you want a cup? That’s extra”

 

9.- “Served with a smile? yep that’s extra”

 

   OK for the few that could afford it (MP’s on expenses I guess),  the rest of us told them to catch a plane! We still couldn’t get out of the seats as the next trolley came thundering down with perfumes, watches, souvenirs etc. What the ______? Everyone now looked at the floor cos I’m sure if you caught their eye you’d be charged for it.

Thankfully the flight came to an end, it only took 30 mins, but with the Mime Acts, Trolley Dashes and Highway Robbery it couldn’t end soon enough.

 

“CHRIST” we knew the plane had  landed, it came down that hard that my sister who has rather large appliances nearly knocked herself out. Fortunately the sideways lurch enabled the passenger to the left of her to  appreciate  her boob cushion to full effect and in so doing reduced the torque on her body – bless.

The escape hatches opened and we spilled out into the waiting horse and carts, then off to the terminal. Once the bags had been collected we picked up the hire car and headed for Carrickfergus (remember this name).

 

Carrickfergus, well what can I say , Castle on the foreshore sun shining bright over the harbour and for the last week in October, strolling about on a T- shirt ! YES really. Cup of tea needed and found a sea front shop just opened for 9.00am. One pot of tea later, Sis and I decide to walk the half mile or so along the front to the town centre.

As soon as we stepped outside the shop we bumped into a real nice guy who decided we needed a guided tour to the centre of Town. Told us he’d lived all his life here and all the schools he’d gone to and where he worked.

Think Sis and I started to worry that this guy was with us for rest of day but fortunately somebody caught his eye and he said he’d have to go. We said our farewells and as a sign of good manners I asked his name?

“Ah, always have problem with this, it was the same at school you know”

Had we stumbled across Lord Lucan or what!

At this point he took a deep breath, smiled and said “FERGUS”

“Well” I said, ”Your Mum and Dad might have been stressed out and that way you’d always get home.”

 

We all parted laughing and just as Sis and l went past a Pub some local ran past out into the middle of the road shouting and hollering.

“That feking door handle, FEK, FEK, JESUS!” and proceeded to do an updated version of River Dance.

The traffic stopped to watch this performance as if it was an everyday event. Note no horns sounding all drivers quite content to watch the proceedings.

The dancer had now calmed down and walked back towards to Pub entrance. Sis was still pulling her jaw up as the Dancer said, “They should do something about that feking door handle you know, it always hits me and it hurts like fek you know.”

Well we didn’t know that or how long he’d been in the Pub, but it was only 10.00am. Must be a good brew!

 

To avoid meeting any more locals we decided to go and book into the Hotel and chill for a while.

The Hotel was great, just down from the Castle and on the Sea-ward side of the front. Our room numbers were 30 and 34, I took No34 and Sis took No30.

No34 was one floor higher than Sis so I went straight up chucked holdall in room and placed the Ashes on the side table. Decided to go and see if Sis had settled in, went down one floor and followed the numbers along, easy. 26, 27, 28, 29, 31!!!

Must be the drugs – start again. 26, 27, 28, 29, 31!!!!

WHAT THE F___.

Right ring Sis “ ARE YOU IN ROOM 30???”

“Yes”

“Well where the _ _ _ _ is it?”

“Go down the corridor past 31 round the corner and 30 is right in front of you”

WELCOME TO IRELAND  to be cont..

Next Issue ----- The Burial. How not to buy a flag and how to tell which sectarian area is which, without stopping to ask. T.C.